This Woman…

The woman in the pink vest lived with immense pain and suffering. Every step felt like dragging a mountain from the earth and lava flowed through her veins with each passing moment. She burned and cried, sat and tried, lived and died and prayed to find a way to save herself from the agony her life had become. She saw visions of what her future self might be if only she could create change. Hopelessness haunted her, taunted her, and sometimes even paralysed her. Shame, blame, guilt, remorse, wretchedness, rage, grief and terror were with her night and day, and she had no idea how she might prevail at all but….

Love was constant in her life too.

This woman loved as was loved beyond measure. All that she knew how to do was keep going, one miserable, painful, tiny, baby step at a time. She felt the certainty inside that no matter how bleak and cruel life might feel in the moment, she must keep faith that it would change somehow. Her entire life had been filled with misery, pain, sadness and fear so this was not anything she could not cope with, no matter how many times she doubted herself or wanted to give up. Something inside of her had been forged in the fires of hell to withstand this pressure and it had created a determination in her that she could barely interpret as being part of herself

This woman dived into the depths of her own being and laid waste to every old, buried demon she found. She coaxed  out and flushed out all of the dead and buried parts of herself that were holding her captive in her agony, and she learned to love each one. she drew on each of their strengths, each of their fears and each of their abilities and she used them to her own advantage. She used their history to create her future and she clawed her way out of hell to stand at the top of the mountain she had once felt she was buried under.

Ones time baby step at a time.

She could not walk unassisted so she used two sticks to get around. She walked in water to hold up her immense weight with less effort. At first she could only walk in water for 5 minutes before tears of agony overcame her and the bleakness set in. She resolved to come back tomorrow and walk for another five minutes. She hoped and prayed that if she did that for enough tomorrow’s, she might one day be able to do more. She sat around or lay around the rest of the day studying, praying, learning, sharing, and driving, running her own business to make ends meet. She never stopped living because she’d already tried that years before and that was not her path, she knew. Her path was to live through and accept what comes, to learn to live it all as it is, and she accepted her path.

A worldwide pandemic meant she had to stop walking in water but suddenly an angel appeared from the past with an invitation to walk for charity. It was gently offered and although she initially rejected the idea, she wanted to help so she accepted. Wondering how she could possibly walk 9,000 steps, she set herself the goal of walking around her back verandah every time an ad came on tv. She began counting the steps it took and then calculating how many times she’d need to walk those steps each day to reach her goal. She also changed her viewing habits and began watching tv shows that might challenge her perception or support her health goals. She allowed the stories of others in similar circumstances to inspire her now, instead of being so overwhelmed by her own stories of suffering and loss.

Within one month, this woman was able to go from walking 20 steps at a time with 2 sticks, to walking around the block unassisted! She began to feel hope during again and light began to pierce the darkness inside her. Then she was struck down by the global virus herself and a month in bed stopped her in her tracks again. This time, she did not stay down, she sought help afterwards to learn new ways to help herself. She’d lost an amazing 10% of her body weight and it began to creep back on but she kept going anyway. Her faith became stronger still and she dived in ever deeper to root out the pain that held her so tightly connected to her body weight.

Day by day she uncovered and discovered things she’s never known, about her body, her mind, her spirit. Some things horrified her and some things astounded her. Slowly but surely, life as she had known it was gone and an entirely new life began in its place. She had to learn a whole new way of thinking, walking, eating, working, playing, moving, relaxing, sharing, trusting, hoping and even loving. She had to learn to love herself and that seemed the hardest task of all. She’d always felt so hated and despised that she had never imagined she was worthy of love at all. Her partner adored her and fired on her but she lived in terror of it dissolving any moment so she could not trust love like she wanted to. Nothing loving that came her way felt safe enough to land and take root, ever……until she learned to love herself…..and that meant excavating all that was hidden within and learning to love that too……so she did.

Five years later this woman stands in the light of joy, 40kgs down and on a brand new path of light and love and hope and wonder. The lava that once flowed where blood should be, is almost extinguished completely and her body moves with more ease. She moves in water so easily now that 2 hours can pass in an instant while she lifts weights, runs, jumps, dances and glides through her self-made routine. She climbs stairs every day to watch a little tv, meditates, prays, studies, shares, and dreams, and oh how her dreams are changing now too! She dares how to dream of making a difference in someone else’s world, of being of service somehow, of being the light of love in someone else’s world way, of beaming out a message of hope that there is no thing that cannot be overcome with love and focus. She dreams of regaining full power and mastery of herself and using it for good in the world. She has begun humming as she walks again, and she is as gentle with herself as a mother with her newborn might be. This woman has learned the value of being soft and hard at once and she is ready to flow and flex and tremble with life, grounded in the pure joy of living her life however it may appear to be.

This woman is home and her roots are down deep enough to fly. I love this woman, every tiny, minuscule aspect of her. This woman is my hero.