What Do I Want?

Over the course of my life I have been asked many times “what do you want?” and I never had an answer other than: “I don’t know what I want!”

I used to get so frustrated by the question and by the answer too. It felt awful and I kept thinking there was something wrong with me because it seemed as if it was a simple enough question and most of the people I knew could answer it easily and simply too - so why couldn’t I? I’m in my mid-fifties now and my 2nd Saturn return has just begun so I have been leaning into all of the mysterious and seemingly unanswerable questions inside lately and I’m actually loving what I find!

The picture I have shared here is one of those answers. I was sitting in contemplation asking myself the dreaded question of: “What do I want?” and getting the same answer that has always come through - “I don’t know!”

It occurred to me to send out an arrow-prayer for help to my Guru Sri Sri Shakti Durga Parameshware, and I suddenly felt drawn to use the teachings I have been learning about from her for the past decade, regarding her very useful “V-Diagram”. You can find out more about Shakti Durga and her amazing work at www.shaktidurga.org or at www.thewbi.org

What came to me was to use the '“V-diagram” to create a list of my wants. I have no idea why this made such a difference to me. I have tried to create lists before to help me discover the answer to this question and have been unable to find even one thing to put on the list! Why is this time different? Is it because I have learned how to ask for help? Is it because I’m ready to know the answer and I wasn’t ready before? Is it because I have a Guru? Is it because ???????

There could be a staggering number of reasons, but the truth is that the reasons don’t matter at all now - that is just stories that my mind was attached to keeping - I call it ‘space-junk’ - thoughts that waft around in my inner universe, occasionally crashing into me and banging loudly enough to be noticed. This ‘space-junk’ is neither helpful, necessary, important, nor wanted - it just is, and sometimes I forget all of that and allow it to become important. Not this time.

As I sat with a blank table in front of me, with the 5 headings of the “V-diagram”, answers began to easily pour forth and I started to get a bit excited.

PHYSICAL - ETHERIC - ASTRAL - SOUL - DIVINE

(Out of respect for Shakti Durga’s teachings and the importance of her work, I will not go into the details around each heading). What I’m here to share today is how well it worked for me to call on my Guru and to use these headings to find the answers I’ve been seeking to a very simple question for over half a century! I once was quite resistant to the idea of a Guru and could not have imagined anything to do with that sort of thing in my life. I was more than happy with prayer and with my gut instincts thank you very much. I wondered back then why any self-respecting adult would consider going within two thousand miles of someone considered to be a guru and I was not going to be someone who did. It was a huge surprise to me when I found myself not only wanting to find out more, but I also wanted very much to learn from her, and to help her in her mission too. I resisted quite strongly, but I could not ignore the call of my heart for long. I had learned by then that ignoring that particular call can be quite dangerous for me and so I listened and it has been of great advantage to me that I have. I have learned so much that I needed, and unknowingly wanted to know since then. Not least of which is the answer to my age-old question: “What Do I Want?”

I found that when I used these headings, it broke that question down into easily digestible portions for me and my Inner Child (the absolute light of my life since 2006). When I first discovered my Inner Child, I had never heard of the concept (Inner Child) before and I thought it was crazy. It took about 2 years for me to change my mind on that and when I did, I made a commitment to love that part of myself unreservedly. I have never looked back since and it has brought so many miracles into my life that I am overcome with gratitude every single day.

I lived with trauma and abuse for the first 35 years of my life and it had become to define who I thought I was. I was a victim to the ‘space-junk’ that my mind had created around those experiences and I had no idea I could let it go at all. It was horrendous and torturous for so long and I just always believed there was something wrong with me, rather than being able to recognise that there was something wrong with the experiences I was having. Meeting my Inner Child changed all of that as I cam to recognise all of the spaces within me that wrestle filled with things I did not want or need, and began to make space for things like basic life skills, that I had not previously learned while trying to survive instead!

Just for today, I want to leave that aside and have included it here merely for context because those old experiences and the reactions I had to them are no longer what I use to define myself or the world. Today I am focusing on the gratitude I feel for uncovering the answer I had been seeking for so long. I can already feel that the answer will expand and grow with me and I had not considered that before either. I had somehow thought that there would be only one answer to that question and that it would never change. My Inner Child had been driving the bus of my life for so long, that I had not even noticed she was driving! Now I have taken the wheel and she gets to be a child - a divine and much-loved child with a nurturing and responsible parent (me). This blog, and indeed, my entire purpose here is to share what I have found helpful in healing from the effects of trauma and how truly remarkable life can be, even when it feels like crap sometimes. I hope you enjoy the learning as much as I do.

Much love.

Gabriella-Grace